You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
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