Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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