I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
