I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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