I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
