If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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