could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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