If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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