The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
