Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
