pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
