It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
