Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
