when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Randomize
