Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
My liver is preforming stress tests.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
