i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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