Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
id be glad to
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
