Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
