You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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