when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
