went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
