I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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