I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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