Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
You are the jesus of drinking
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
