Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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