Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
