I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
