I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize
