My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
