I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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