Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize