Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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