even my farts smell like vagina
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
