I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
