Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
