so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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