Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Actions speak louder than pants.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
We have started to decorate penises.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
