My Higher Power is John Stamos
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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