it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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