i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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