Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
it was like having sex with a tree stump
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
