the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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