My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
