tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
