3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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