Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
