Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
