apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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