Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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