I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
