i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
