I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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