seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
