Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
