and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
