dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Randomize
