I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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