I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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