so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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